Kwok Yun!
Who's Kwok Yun?
Are you Kwok Yun?
Are you looking for me? What's the matter?
I'm a police officer from Beijing.
Beijing? That's a long way away!
Let's talk over there.
Chief Chang reported that you saw a flying object.
This is a highly sensitive matter.
So you must truthfully answer all my questions!
Age?
35.
Gender?
What?
Male or female?
Female.
Stop playing! Go home!
Follow your sister home.
I'm the Chief of Three-Headed Bird Village.
Here, we have 500 acres of farmland,
750 villagers, and 20 party members.
You might not know this,
but our village has an amazing heritage.
On the aesthetic side,
we have beautiful mountains, rivers and beautiful people everywhere.
Of historical interest
is the fact that our great leader Mao Zedong
was born only 10 kilometres from here.
That's enough!
Tell me about Kwok Yun, who saw the UFO.
Kwok Yun?
Chief!
I saw a gigantic glowing thing in the sky!
A glowing thing?
Chief...
Lunch!
You know, a big glowing thing in the sky!
It flew over Farmer Wong's fields!
Speak clearly!
What was the shape of this flying object?
Just like a... dumpling.
A dumpling?
Be obedient!
Your status?
What status?
Job, age, identity.
And what did you see on September 11?
I'm 48 years old. I'm a peasant.
This is my son, this is my buffalo.
This is my rice field, and that is my tree.
Kwok Yun said
on that day she saw the flying thing over my tree.
I only heard about it later.
It was really hot that day!
- Hello, Headmaster. - Hello.
Why have you stopped playing? Pick it up.
Enjoy yourself but behave.
Where were you on September 11?
Did you meet anyone?
September 11?
Maybe I passed some fields...
but I didn't see anyone. I was very very busy that day.
Who is that?
Never mind, she's just my wife.
Ha, your wife?
She looks a little grumpy.
It's fucking hot here!
Isn't it?
Hey, bicycle man!
Do you hear me?
Did you see that UFO the other day?
You saw it?
Report to me!
You don't understand?
Are you deaf and dumb? Speak!
You're not a local?
I can't believe they have migrants here!
Anyway, what did you see on September 11?
My surname is Kwok,
I'm Kwok Minjun.
Kwok Yun is my granddaughter.
Several days ago, I heard from the villagers
that my granddaughter saw a strange flying thing.
Motherfucker!
What's the point of asking me this?
I just remember that morning...
the moon-calendar said:
"It's good to open doors,
walk in the fields, plant crops."
So I didn't close the door.
I walked down the mountain to the market.
I passed the graveyard.
The wind blew through the gravestones.
I thought, what are we struggling for?
We're all going to die anyway...
This time I want more details.
Married or single?
Who can I marry?
The men here are all married, or as old as my grandfather.
No one to marry!
You're not young and not married.
But you still might have a boyfriend.
How rude!
Your parents?
There!
Dead.
Killed in an explosion at the mine where I work.
There was nothing left. All I got back was a finger.
Alright.
Tell me what happened that day.
Start from the beginning, don't leave out any details.
It was really hot that day,
I woke up later than usual.
I'd dreamt about my parents.
My mum was nagging me again:
"If a woman doesn't marry, the villagers think she's a slut."
I'm not interested in your dreams!
Just tell me what happened that morning, in detail.
What sort of details?
Like I got my period that day? Details like that?
Carry on.
My period came that morning.
I bled so much...
I was worried that people would smell my blood.
Do you know what it's like to have a period?
Your body feels like an earthworm,
the worms in our chive fields.
An earthworm has two blood vessels.
One takes blood to the tail, the other pumps it back to the head.
That's how my body felt that day.
Blood pulsing through my body, like a water pipe bursting.
All the villagers say,
period pain goes away after a woman gives birth.
Shit! They're so mean.
They know I have nobody to marry.
I tell you,
people here have no mercy!
Do you remember anything else?
I just saw that glowing thing,
I fainted.
When I woke up...
I'll go and get you some medicine.
A dumpling?
What else?
A foreigner, with hairy legs!
A foreigner?
Note this down!
Carry on.
The foreigner's leg was bleeding. So I took him home.
You took him home?
He was almost dying.
You made a serious political error!
You should have brought him to my office!
So what happened then?
I left him to get some medicine. When I came back, he was gone.
Look at you!
You took him home and lost him.
You let a foreigner run around loose in the village!
If something had happened, you'd have been responsible!
I always hoped you wouldn't be so useless. You must study!
Look at me! I'm about to retire, but I still study!
You must reform yourself!
To become a qualified modern peasant.
I think we must call the Town Bureau.
Hello, Town Bureau? Here's Three-Headed Bird Village...
It's Comrade Chu.
I have something to report,
something very important.
Tell me more about what the Chief said.
I heard her say
"UFO".
Chief Chang taught Kwok Yun some astronomy.
This is the Solar System.
These are the nine planets of the Solar System.
This is the Earth.
This is the Moon.
The Earth circles around the Sun.
While the Moon circles around the Earth.
And the Chief believes,
there are planets like the Earth in other galaxies.
When their inhabitants visited Earth,
we saw their UFO in our village.
Our country's name is "Zhong Guo", People's Republic of China.
Zhong Guo means Centre of the World.
So we Chinese are our own sun, we don't circle around anyone!
But then we used to circle around the Soviet Union...
before it fell apart.
And now...
we circle around the USA.
Do you understand or not?
Lobster
My name is Li Sheng.
The villagers call me Carp Li.
- Do you live by yourself? - Yes.
What about your wife and children?
My daughter married the headmaster.
The headmaster?
So that fat grumpy woman is your daughter?
Yes.
OK, let's get down to business.
Did you see the UFO recently?
No.
- And a foreigner? - I haven't seen anything.
There's another old fart on his way to eternity!
Hello, Comrade Chief?
It's getting on my nerves. This rotten place and the peasants!
Illiterate, dishonest!
Liars!
Apart from Kwok Yun, no one has seen anything!
I say, let's close the case!
Okay then.
I'll come back and follow the thing up in two months.
Goodbye.
Grandpa, why are you still awake?
I'm old.
I will die one day.
But as long as you're still living in this house,
my heart won't rest, even if I'm in my grave.
I saw many construction workers arriving.
Why don't you marry one of them?!
Hi, Butcher!
Hi, Old Kwok!
Do you know who I dreamt of last night?
Your dead wife!
Stop it!
Give me the pig tail.
The kidney too.
Take it.
Bye.
- Done? - Yes.
The letter from America has been translated.
"Dear Three-Headed Bird villagers!
My name is Steve Frost.
I'm from...
Albany, New York State.
One month ago, on September 11,
I was hiking through your province.
Unfortunately, I was bitten by a snake and seriously hurt.
A woman found me
and brought me to her home.
I don't know her name,
but she was between
25 and 45 years old.
I want to thank her deeply
and I enclose a cheque
for 3000 dollars."
A cheque for 3000 dollars. Look!
Which bank is it, Headmaster?
Swiss... no, New York Bank!
Oh, 3000 USD from New York Bank.
Ah, villagers, villagers...
There's no doubt about it:
The brave woman who saved our Western friend
is Kwok Yun.
Kwok Yun did something incredible!
She saved an American, a rich American!
Enough, enough.
You're just a money grabber!
Chief! That money should belong to me!
That foreigner fell in my field, the money belongs to me!
Farmer Wong, you're out of line!
But I have three poor brothers!
Enough!
You guys always argue like crazy!
Disgraceful! The village committee has decided.
The money will go to assist school education.
Hello, Comrade Chief?
Yes, I'm on my way.
I'll report back to you after I get there.
Talk to you soon.
Comrade Officer! Back in town?
Have a seat.
Anything big happening?
Anything big?
Yes!
Check this out!
This is our new five-year plan for our village.
Imagine you come through this gate and see this 53-floor skyscraper.
This is a reproduction of the Sydney Opera House.
But better!
Here is the UFO theme park.
Disneyland's nothing compared with this!
Enough, enough!
Your plan sounds like a five-year fucking capitalist plan to me!
Fuck! How dare you say that?
What capitalism?
As long as my villager's lives improve
and they have enough to eat, I call it: "My-ism"!
"Your-ism"?!
- Motherfucker. - Get out of my way.
Villagers,
every year the town council awards a medal
to a peasant who's made a great contribution.
This year, the Model Peasant Medal goes to...
Kwok Yun!
Please look!
This is the "AMERICAN LIFE" magazine.
Look!
Kwok Yun.
The title is:
"An Extraordinary Story
of an Ordinary Woman."
As of today,
Kwok Yun won't need to work at the mine anymore.
She will be studying full-time instead.
The government has granted her 5000 Yuan.
56 ethnic groups! 56 flowers!
56 brothers and sisters in one family!
56 languages express one sentence:
Love China! Love China! Love China!
Where is our village on earth?
It lies exactly on the Tropic of Cancer.
There is an American writer, Henry Miller,
who wrote a famous novel called
"Tropic of Cancer".
Is it about our village?
Hmm... It's related to our village.
Western aesthetics are alien to the Chinese.
Chinese painting is flat with many contours.
But Western painting is about depth.
It's about perspective.
The volume of muscles,
light and shadow. Pay attention to this.
We should use this chance for re-education
to learn about aesthetics and enrich our lives!
Nothing to eat, nothing to wear, only the enemy waiting for us.
No rifles, no artillery, but we'll get them from the enemy!
We were born here, every inch of the land is ours.
We'll fight all invaders!
Marriage & Divorce Registration
Divorce >>> <<< Marriage
What?
Changed your mind again?
For all these years,
you've been good to me.
I know that,
but I can't stand how you treat me.
In your eyes I'm just a bookworm!
Useless.
Your slave!
You're fucking heartless!
Hello, Wife.
Have you eaten?
Oh, you're eating with my mother...
Don't mention this rotten place again!
The toilet flusher never works!
Only eating chillies every day!
My haemorrhoids are bursting!
I hope this shitty case will close soon!
Don't forget to buy me some cream.
Bye.
We're also going to have "Best Family",
"Best Wife"
and "Mister Universe" competitions!
"Anna Karenina"...
What's this book about?
Haven't you heard this line?
"Happy families are all alike,
every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."
Look at me!
Look at my hair.
You've just had it done?
Why is it so messy?
It's the latest style in Shanghai. Pussycat Head.
Pussycat Head!
Listen, Kwok Yun...
You shouldn't come to my office like this.
What if someone saw you?
So your wife threw you out?
I have to go to a maths class.
If you've nothing to do here, leave!
You're useless.
I can't feed you for the rest of your life.
Look at him. How can I live with him?
A woman should learn to be with her husband!
Hey! Can I ask you...?
- Where is Moon Mountain? - This is it.
I mean the mountain where Kwok Yun used to work.
It's right here!
The mine has moved to another mountain.
What the hell is this place? Things change so fast.
This time I've come to follow things up.
Everything related to the UFO.
- And... - I haven't seen anymore UFOs since then.
But I was informed that your village is making international contacts.
Do you have personal contact?
No.
Apart from Chief Chang's making me write to the foreigner.
We just finished the letter together.
Show me.
What does this letter say?
It just says we have received the money. And bought computers.
We're having re-education lessons. So we can get rich quickly.
That's all?
That's all.
Bill Huang! Welcome!
Bill Huang! We love you!
Attention everyone.
Today, we are honoured to have the millionaire Mr Huang here.
Ladies and gentlemen!
Today I'll teach you what I've learned from my heroes.
The top 5 richest men in the world.
Guys like Carlos Slim from Mexico,
Bill Gates and Warren Buffett from the USA.
These rich and successful people
have five rules for getting rich.
Do you want to know them?
Yes!
All together! Number 1: Believe in yourself. Oh yeah!
Believe in yourself. Oh yeah!
Number 2: Only invest other people's money!
Next rule: Turn shit into gold!
Come on everybody, stand up!
Never let your money rot in the bank!
Good, very good!
The packaging is more important than the product!
Say it together!
The packaging is more important than the product!
And the last one!
Monopolise the market!
Visitors and our media friends!
It was under this big tree
that our Model Peasant witnessed a UFO.
I now declare
the UFO Monument opening ceremony...
open!
Do you think the UFO will return to your village one day?
- Say yes. - Oh,
maybe yes.
Maybe one day the UFO will revisit us.
Hello audience,
today we've got the chance to interview the UFO witness.
Piss off!
- What the fuck's going on? - Who are you?
This is my field!
- Get the fuck off my land! - You're the owner?
This is the field's owner Farmer Wong.
Piss off! Scram!
- Let's hear how he feels. - Turn the fucking thing off!
You continue.
As you know,
my wife won't agree to a divorce.
The Marriage Registration Office told me I need a letter signed by you
to prove this marriage is dishonourable.
That it's not based on love.
Do you know Shakespeare?
There's this striking phrase:
"To be, or not to be?"
Given the condition of my marriage,
I'd rather choose "not to be".
I only know Chairman Mao,
a line from his Little Red Book:
"All sex without intent to marry
is exploitation of women!"
But I want my efforts for you and Kwok Yun to pay off.
So give me that paper.
This is your hometown?
I couldn't find it on the map.
Your home is far away!
So beautiful.
What are you doing here?
Fixing my bicycle!
How come your bicycle is always broken?
Kwok Yun, I tell you...
You as a Model Peasant,
how can you mess around with this dirty migrant?
Go back to class!
What the hell is this?
Grandpa.
Hungry?
Carp Li.
- Carp Li! - Yes.
- Are you putting the nets away? - Not many fish left.
I want this big one.
Chief,
do me a favour.
It's about my daughter.
For years she cooked and washed for her husband.
But he still dumped her!
The headmaster again! Well... let's forget about it.
Here, have a cigarette.
Carp Li,
this morning they said on the radio
that the French had found Chinese lobsters in the Seine.
See, my lobsters swam all the way there!
Are you drunk or what?
Let's forget about it.
Secretary Zhao, come over here.
Chief?
Listen.
At the press conference
about the UFO landing port,
you should say:
First, the government is completely behind us!
Second, no labourers were forced to work on the project!
And third?
Let me think about it.
Yes, yes.
Hey, kid!
What are you reading?
Hey, kid! What are you reading?
I'm reading "Tropic of Cancer".
The book by Henry Miller?
The Headmaster told us to read it.
He said it's about free spirit.
Free spirit?
Read it to me!
"... Not a prick in the land big enough for her.
Men went inside her and shrivelled up.
She wanted large pricks, self-exploding rockets,
hot oil made of boiling wax.
She would cut off your prick
and keep it inside her forever."
Why does she want to keep it inside her forever?
Why...
What's a dick got to do with freedom?
Let's start learning Euclid's laws.
How many laws are there?
First,
things which are equal to the same thing are also equal to one another.
We're running out of time.
Let's call it a day.
Any questions?
I've a question.
Is Euclid Chinese?
No.
Greek.
Greek...
Listen.
Chief Chang has fixed things.
The divorce will proceed quickly now.
Hey! You...
You bitch!
You stole my man!
Are you Lin, the butcher?
Yes. And who are you?
Do you have a hygiene license?
Hey, who are you?
- What are you doing here? - I'm a government hygiene officer.
Some tourists stated that the hygiene here is bad.
Our investigation proves your rotten place is the source!
Cut it out!
Don't bullshit me!
You ask around,
I've been selling pork for decades. No one's ever had problems with my meat!
- Do you have a fridge? - Fridge? Who needs a fucking fridge?
You can't run your business without a fridge!
Do you have anything else to say?
Fuck you!
- I'm gonna kill you! - Son of a bitch!
Fuck off!
That's him.
We are from the Household Registry.
Show me your ID.
Note it down.
Your residence permit?
It seems he doesn't understand.
Don't play deaf and dumb. I saw you chatting with Kwok Yun.
Whether you understand or not,
bring all your licenses in three days.
Otherwise get lost!
- Okay, let's go. - Remember, three days!
Alright, it's yours now.
Aren't you the "Model Peasant" from the TV?
How much money did they give you?
What are you doing?
Why are you following me?
I've told you everything! I have nothing more to say!
Stop stalking me!
How could you abandon me to this world?!
How will I live without you?
It's terrible! Someone has to pay for this!
What's this got to do with me?!
I didn't do anything wrong!
Enough!
Shut up, will you?
Don't you feel ashamed?
You've ruined our reputation!
Hello, Comrade Chief?
These peasants are breaking my balls!
This lousy region is changing so fast! I'm totally lost!
Alright. I'll send you my final report soon.
Bye for now.
Kwok Yun,
let me tell you one more time:
The marriage between you and the headmaster isn't an ordinary event.
It'll demonstrate our nation's ideology.
An illiterate in alliance with an intellectual.
To create a modern citizen!
It'll also manifest my promotion of love-based marriage.
Your case will be the topic of my lecture in Beijing.
Look at me!
To be honest...
your case will guarantee my re-election!
You've got no choice!
You'll marry the headmaster.
Chef!
I'll pay for her noodles.
Nice to see you again, Officer.
You recognize me?
I'm no longer the Village Secretary.
I'm the big boss of this five-star hotel.
Boss!
You must have seen the progress here.
You should stay here for the night.
I can give you a 50 per cent discount.
Get one of our delightful hostesses to drop by.
Full service.
Headmaster,
your father-in-law committed suicide.
I'm concerned about the connection to your divorce.
Ours was an arranged marriage.
We were engaged when we were children.
Headmaster,
if everyone was as individualistic as you,
millions of Chinese would get divorced.
The country would be a mess!
What are you implying by that?
Farmer Wong,
is this your field?
Yes.
What happened? It's a fucking mess! It's all ripped up!
I want compensation!
But Chief said, the individual must sacrifice himself for the collective.
Motherfucking crap!
I lost my crops, my land,
my buffalo! My son dropped out of school...
Who cares about a few acres of land?!
You should be proud to sacrifice yourself for your country!
You can't demolish it! Someone lives here!
- Who are you? - Someone still lives here!
- Don't demolish it! - We have to build a Spaceship Tracking Zone!
Get out of here!
All this area will be demolished!
Keep an eye on her!
You're too young, I shouldn't kill you.
But I have no choice.
The government closed my business.
In your next life, take me with you.
We'll find a good home together.
Today is the opening of the first five-star hotel
in our village and the whole area.
On this special day, we'll welcome our American friend,
a mayor, Mr Steve Freud.
Mr Steve Frost.
In two hours,
he is going to visit our hotel.
We have reserved the Luxury President Suite for him.
Welcome! Welcome!
What are you doing?
This is my last suckling pig!
Villagers!
Our man of culture and our Model Peasant
will tie the knot on this joyful day. A round of applause.
We are even more honoured
that our American friend has travelled thousands of miles to our village
to congratulate our newly wedded couple. Welcome!
Now our American friend will say something.
Applause.
You guys are breaking the law!
This is our land!
Who is the head of your group? Look, we've an official document!
The mobile phone company will compensate you!
In the end, all of you will benefit!
Here are the dishes.
Oh, here it comes.
Let's invite our American friend
to sing a song.